Unsuspecting Paramour
by thematchesareburning
Summary: Her mind was physically incapable of processing the scene before her. There were madmen afoot. Madmen and lunatics whose only goals in life seemed to be traumatizing her unsuspecting heart. There will be crack.


Written by _**thematchesareburning**_

Usual disclaimer applies.

**Unsuspecting Paramour**

_**Preface**_

**Walking **through the spiraled corridor that led to her mentor's office had been the result of an unusual late-night summon.

Pulling her hair into a sloppy ponytail, the pinklette resisted the urge to scowl in annoyance. It was only because of her previous experience that Sakura knew not to bother changing out of her night clothes—though she had enough decency to slip on a hastily found pair of shorts, instead of frolicking about in her underwear. Unfortunately, she hadn't had any time, let alone patience, to check the length before leaving her apartment. Looking down she fought scampering home and changing into something more appropriate. _They were very short_. Though, it wasn't as if she had to worry anyways.

Any time she got called to the Hokage's office after twelve in the morning, the medic knew the only information given was total bullshit. Tsunade was probably wasted to begin with.

Rubbing her eyes absentmindedly Sakura continued on with her perfect stride and tried hard not to yawn. She'd be home before she knew it. There was no problem, she told herself cheerfully.

The unmistakable door to her teacher's chamber was unguarded. Sakura blinked quizzically, her pace never once changing.

_How very odd_.

Not caring in the least about knocking—it was two-fifty-one am, she felt no need to be polite—Sakura shivered at the feel of her hot skin meeting the cold metal of the doorknob. It had been a bizarrely hot summer in the village, and didn't appear to be changing anytime soon.

By the time the shudder had fully crawled up her back, Sakura had the door swung open and was already assessing the several occupants inside the infamous room. Taking note of the attire being worn by close to everyone present, Sakura stared pointedly at her shishou. Tsunade happened to be starring pointedly at the attire her prided apprentice wore.

A low whistle came from the throat of one of the many men taking residence in the office.

Her heart immediately dropped while her hand moved to pull her shirt back in place from where it had slipped down her shoulder. _Gods_, she wished she would have changed. Sh could practically feel the eyes roving over her petit form.

"_What_ the—"

**Chapter 1**

**"Sakura,"** Tsunade's tone was flat, and the rosette-haired kunoichi immediately refocused her attention back on the blonde sitting animatedly behind her desk. There were pressing matters to attend to. The Hokage glanced around the room, her eyes flashed. _Obviously_. "Please take a seat." Eyeing the only available chair still left in the office and realizing that it was, in fact, surrounded by criminals, Sakura decided that Tsunade really had, finally, lost her mind.

She blinked. It was all coming together now. After all, no one even a tinncy-bit sane would invite the entire deranged gang of psychos—known as Akatsuki—into their office. And _oh, dear God_, she had been invited, too.

"_Sakura_," Said kunoichi straightened in response. A hard glint shortly made itself known in the young medic's eyes, and the Godaime was secretly proud. "We've all been waiting for your arrival, dear."

"Fantastic," She spit out. Although she was still completely on edge, Sakura had enough decency to close the door. Even if it went against her entire gut instinct—which, at this moment, was telling her to run.

When the towering entrance to the office had been sealed closed, the temperamental girl began an efficient stride through the room. That chair was simply calling for her now. Sakura made it five long strides before a hand wrapped securely around her thigh. All movement within the room instantly froze. Sakura was sure her heart had literally come to a brief stall until she glanced over her shoulder quizzically. The man seemed far too pleased with himself and beamed delightedly at her attention.

Sakura glanced from the perpetrator to her shishou pleadingly. Tsunade smirked in anticipation.

Huffing and feeling rather violated, Sakura narrowed her gaze on the bastard who just so happened to have his hand so conveniently placed halfway up her shorts. _And they were very short_. The pinklette was not impressed.

"Can I help you?" The urge to pull the thin material down and cover as much skin as physically possible was beyond tempting, but she relented. Sakura instead focused on the idiot currently molesting her leg.

The man was gorgeous, she hated to admit, and his pale skin and fair hair made him seem almost angelic. The irony that came from the thought showed on her expression briefly.

"Bitch," Raising both his eyebrows, the criminal gave her a squinty little smile that twisted her insides slightly. "Fuck the chair and sit on my lap." Sakura supposed that if his invitation had been put out more appealingly, she probably would have complied. Instead she took a quarter of a second to admire the way the light hit his snow white tresses before she curled her hand teasingly around his wrist.

Instantly he released her leg.

Sakura meant to move away, her hand had already started to slip from his own when he stood. Tilting his head slightly, Sakura realized that he was bending his knees to allow his nose a brief skim of her neck.

The tall motherfucker.

Staring dazedly at the man's—beautiful (because she'd never admit it)—chest, Sakura then upturned her head to his all too welcome mouth. She sent the half-naked man a sultry smile.

Taking a light sniff Sakura was surprised to find he adopted the smell of a damp forest. She told him so. Hidan smiled happily while Sakura adjusted the position of her feet. She'd need some leverage, after all. Once she'd taken the man's cloak through both her fists and had chakra pumping through them steadily she sent the unsuspecting shinobi a wink.

He had enough time to lick his lips before she sent time flying through the massive windows some twelve feet away. The rosette-haired female watched the glass shatter amiably; enjoying the spider-web effect each shard seemed to get upon impact. Sakura proceed to crack her knuckles and then wandered a little dazedly to her appointed seat.

Someone in the back mumbled a quick, "Nine-point-six," while joyous screams sang through the air, gradually lowering in volume as the plummet continued.

"Shishou," Her attention had gone elsewhere, more or likely to thoughts of a warm and cozy bed. "I assume you have something to tell me." Her voice cracked slightly and the yawn that escaped her throat was far beyond anyone's stopping. "But may I respectfully remind you that you've given me a mission for tomorrow." Sakura slouched in her seat slightly. "… very, _very_ important mission. It requires my total attention, which I get as a result of _a good sleep_."

"Attention my ass, girl. And are you _whining_?" The blonde woman crossed her arms over her chest in disbelief. Whining didn't fit her apprentice's character much at all.

In response Sakura cracked her fingers over, and then opened her mouth. "Obviously, shishou—but this is just ridiculous. It's not like you couldn't find someone a little more mentally sound." Because this was actually quite true. "I just through someone out the window for heaven's sake!" Jumping up from her seat she continued with throwing the chair she'd just been occupying at some distant corner of the room. "I can't _deal_ with lunatics this early in the morning."

"Mh-hmm,"

Her next inquiry came from an abstract thought that had undoubtedly just flooded her head. "Where's Naruto?" There was an undeniable pause, but Sakura needed to know that her friend was secure from the murderous hands of Akatsuki. "He _is_ safe, right?" When no answer seemed to make itself known the kunoichi momentarily joined in with the oppressive silence. "If you're going to sacrifice him to some egotistical bastards spouting complete nonsense, than I swear I'll—"

"Of course not! Don't be ridiculous, Sakura." A sigh escaped the Hokage's lips. "Now listen closely, dear," In her peripheral vision Sakura noted someone get up from their seat. Tsunade waved her hand abruptly and indicated for her to take up the available spot. Sakura didn't bother arguing.

Upon sitting, she was uneasy to find the chair warm. A tingle rose up her spine in response. She didn't even make an effort to say 'thank you'.

Tsunade went on. "These gentlemen have given us a lovely proposition—one far too good to refuse. _Now_, taking into account our previous history—"

"Yeah, they're after Naruto! They've tried to kill him, shishou." She emphasized 'kill' dramatically. "They've even tried to kill me!" Her chest rose in forced rage.

"Are you done?"

A huff, "I don't know."

"Anyways, we've joined."

Sakura blinked and an unpleasant sensation ran through her body. "Joined _how_, shishou?" The hairs along her arms stood up and she fought back a shiver.

"_Forces_," Tsunade made it seem like the answer should have been obvious. Sakura supposed that it probably was. But she was tired.

_Oh, so _very_ tired_.

"Are you sure this is the best idea, ma'am? I'm sure there must be some other options." Sakura didn't risk glancing around her for any sort of reactions, positive or negative—she could hardly care. "… _any_ other option."

The Hokage snorted. "As if I was given much of a choice. If there is any possibility of me saving the lives of the citizens of this village, than I will happily take it."

_Of course_, the pinklette thought, despair already swirling around her head. A thought struck her though, one that had her chin lifting, and a small flash of defiance spreading leisurely over her features. "And what about the boys?" Because surely all hell would freeze over before—

"Boys?"

She turned to address who was speaking to her. The surprise that came from realizing it was the ever-traumatizing Uchiha Itachi did little to extinguish the rebellion that was surely still pooling in her alluring jade eyes. Sakura didn't hesitate in making sure their gazes were locked. If the man was surprised by her forwardness, nothing managed to show over his face. His expression remained perfectly blank. "_Yes_," She licked her lips, being sure that her voice was steady. "Yes, I'm just so very curious as to how _my boys_ are going to react. I hardly doubt that Naruto or Sasuke will take our supposed alliance well."

Itachi had the audacity to smirk. He decided good-naturedly to meet her challenge head on. "I'm sure that my baby brother will behave much more reserved than you did, kunoichi."

Sakura was still making the decision whether to talk back or not when her teacher interrupted her. "Actually," The smile that graced her lips was beyond forced. "Both of them took the news open-mindedly. I was quite surprised at seeing the young Uchiha's reaction, I must say. Though I suppose that whatever you shared with him afterwards surely changed his opinion, Itachi." And by the way she said it; the busty woman knew damn well what they had discussed.

But more importantly, was her teacher already on a first name-basis with these assholes? That wasn't what caught Sakura's attention however, as troubling as it might have been. It was the fact that both of her teammates seemed perfectly at ease with the criminals now in their midst.

And that they'd known _before_ her.

This was really all too much. "Are you fucking kidding me?" She'd jumped from her chair as a result of her current dismay. At the abrupt tension Sakura noted in some far corner of her brain that everyone seemed to be anticipating another act of violence. Truthfully, the distraught kunoichi was expecting one herself.

Instead of someone in the room flying at her and putting her into a headlock, or some other form of immobility, the grand door to the office was carelessly thrown open to show a bloody and beaten silver-haired man. His deranged grin caught Sakura off guard, even as she stood with her chest heaving in frustration.

"Hidan," He crooned and Sakura was forced to do a double take, ignoring the feel of her ponytail bobbing over the back of her neck. Her hair had indeed grown long, falling just past her collarbone.

"Pardon?" He'd obviously smashed his head or something.

"My _name_, precious. And you can bet your cute little ass that you'll be seeing more of me around."

"That's sick." her stomach churned.

"Sickeningly _sweet_, babe."

From behind her, Tsunade shared her thoughts with someone who'd apparently wandered up beside her while observing the exchange. "He must've smashed his head." There was a definite murmur, while another person hummed in agreement.

"Yeah, something fell loose in his brain." Professionalism completely taking over, Sakura began listing out possible detachments that could've happened during the head trauma.

Hidan effectively cut her off mid-way through. "I have no fucking clue what you're talking about, but it sounds dirty as hell." He sounded more than a little turned on, if the husky-ness to his voice was any clue.

"Screw you!"

"Anytime, sweetheart."

At that exact moment she'd had enough. Looking back—before her fist made contact with his jaw and sent him flying out the door and smashing into a pillar somewhere down the hall—she realized that she'd probably gone past her mental capacity some ten minutes ago. And that was hardly good.

Walking cautiously over to where the man had been thrown against a giant cylinder resembling piece of concrete (thankfully outside of the nightmarish meeting room), the pinklette found that maybe he had been the wrong person to take her anger out on. Even if he was a _complete_ asshole.

"Are you okay?" It went against everything she lived by, but it would've been beyond rude not to ask.

There was a short moment, in which Hidan shifted from the indent he'd made in favor of leaning against an untouched place on the pillar. Sakura watched him attentively while he cracked his back and ran a shaky hand through his already slicked-back hair. "Are you always this fucking violent?" Sakura was beginning to get the feeling that his chatter was always this... _appealing_.

"Sometimes," She answered honestly.

Hidan was anything but unhappy at the unspoken prospect. "Fan-fucking-tastic." He appeared worn out, and more than a little untidy. It wasn't like she didn't know why, though, basically being the reason.

The need to make some sort of amends filled Sakura's head, and she ultimately decided to suck up her pride. At least no one had followed the two of them into the hall, and bore witness to the passing events. She didn't think she'd ever live it done as it was anyways. In the long run, it was nice to save herself as much potential blackmail as possible.

She lowered her hand to the man, and was pleased at his blatant surprise. "I, um, was actually just going to head over, to the, ummm…" Trailing off lamely, Sakura couldn't help the way she got flustered by his unexpected gesture. Hidan didn't even seem to notice how she'd stopped talking as he stroked her wrist with his thumb while his lips brushed over her knuckles tenderly.

Not even sparing her a glance, the criminal released her hand with one last teasing stroke before turning his back to her completely and walking away. His stride was so casual and easy going that Sakura might've actually believed that he molested and then dazzled unsuspecting and exhausted pink-haired girls on a regular basis. Maybe even daily, for all she knew.

Blinking slowly she took another assessing look at the partially destroyed pillar. Nodding in sympathy at the inanimate object, Sakura shared its pain at the sudden epiphany of disturbing the day's events already were. It was hardly even noon yet.

"Oh, I know." She patted the cool surface comfortingly, and found that it felt extremely good against her feverish skin.

After all, talking to a building—technically by default—was the least of her worries.


End file.
